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I just reread through a bunch of old entries I made over the years. Oh, how my life has changed. I don't think I've changed a whole lot, but my life has. I don't know if anyone is even on here anymore, reading. Is anyone out there? Am I alone.
I'm pregnant again. Another little human for me to love and soak up and breathe in.
My boy is almost 6 months old now. I don't know where the time went, or how. He's growing into such a funny little child, who makes me laugh and glow with pride and cry out in exhaustion. He's a lot of work.
When I first had him, I was surrounded. I had friends in all corners; people were always calling and coming over and I was always going out with someone for lunch or walks.
Now, I am alone. I have Eric. Of course, I have the baby. But friends....no one. No one calls or texts anymore. No one comes over. I suppose the baby excitement is gone. I wonder if it will return when I have #2. I doubt it. I literally have no one close by to call friend.
I had Michael.
I don't know what happened, but it ended so suddenly, so badly. One day he was talking to me and the next, he was gone. Perhaps we took the flirting to an uncomfortable level. Maybe he didn't expect such a response from me and it scared him off. If hurts to think of how he just left, when for so many months, I called him 'best friend.'
Oh, I feel so old these days. I'm 27.
I think I just felt the baby move inside me.
And again.

(no subject)

I just had an interview at St. Luke's in Denver. CO. I think it went well.
I'm pregnant with Eric's baby. We broke up and got back together and it kills me to hurt him. Would I up and leave now? I've always wanted to live in Denver. Always.
I don't know what to do. I wish some hand would take mine and guide me to where I'm supposed to go. Ugh so frustrating that I don't know what I want.
I can't have a baby on my own. And i cant take his baby from him. But he won't move away from his other kids, so what am I to do?

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I'm in Vegas, baby! Eric and I are having a great time. Foods awesome, and gambling has been fun, although we haven't won anything of course. We saw the show Zumanity last night at New York, New York. It was super funny and sexy and naughty and we loved it. Today I took Eric to machine Gun Las Vegas, where we each got to shoot a variety of different guns. He loved it and so did I, but he kept looking at the blonde gun girl's ass, which kind of made me sad but oh well. Boys will be boys.
Really, the only bad part of this trip is the fact that I have no appetite and every time I do eat anything, I get diarrhea. This morning I shit on myself while Eric was in the shower. I scrambled around to clean it up but he knew. It was horribly embarrassing.

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My patient just died unexpectedly. I had a sinking feeling, coming into work tonight, and throughout the beginning of my shift. Then she died. And now we have to tell her husband, who has no support system except her, no friends or children, and all I can think of is Eric and how much I love him and want to be with him. I cried. My coworkers didn't, but when I called the doctor to report it, my voice broke. I feel weak and sad.
And I told my mom to accept the fact that I'm getting married and stop trying to get in the way of it.
Ugh.

(no subject)

At a prompt to update, I will do so. I didn't know anyone ever read the things I wrote. I sure do miss this place. Who can believe it's already April 22? And with the snow ouside, still falling, after two or more long weeks of relentless blizzards, I am tired of it's beauty.
I look forward to long, warm summer days. I want the sun to beat down on my pale, pink skin, and remind me of the life I have inside me. Winter drowns it.
Mary got accepted into both of her dream college's for grad school. She is choosing Denver University. I told Eric that when she goes, I go, because I am in need of some adventure. I told him I would come back. He is both a blessing and a curse, so I probably won't know which way to turn. I still wear the ring on my finger. It has found comfort there and I have found comfort in it. We fight on Sunday's, but when the time comes to lay our heads down, I find us kissing and talking and holding each other. We may be destined to be together. We also may not.

On Friday, we drove to Deadwood, SD, and played our hands at the abnoxious slot machines and meandered our ways through the crowds, to find food, drink, and luck. Of those, we found three. Unfortunately, the $200 I took out sqandered into a measly $60, rather than multiplied. Which is okay, because we had a great time trying. We stayed at the old hotel, the Franklin, right there on Main Street. The hotel was built in the early 1900's and the rooms haven't been updated much since then. It was an adventurous change from our usual Holiday Inn style rooms we usually stay at. Not only that, the suite was bigger than our apartment and we only got it for $100, when the original price was $170.


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(no subject)

I want to lose all this fucking weight; it's too heavy, I'm too heavy. And I'm too old for this type of behavior.
It's funny how I think of LJ when I start to think these thoughts, even though really, I always think them and I can't get rid of them even though I haven't acted on them in quite a while. I go to the gym and get discouraged because I'm still flabby and fat, even though I know that I won't get results after just one session. I always used to write that I can't stop eating, but right now, I really can't. A year ago, I was 15 pounds lighter than I am now. I hate looking at myself and I can't have sex with the lights on anymore.

Work is crazy. It feels like that's all I do, even though all I really do is spend all my money on clothes and gas so I can drive all over the place and spend the rest of my money.

I went out with Kim and Ashley this morning after work. We went to Eggingtons and had
mimosas. It was fun and I laughed and ate a lot. And now I'm home and I should be sleeping because I have to go back to work again tonight. I agreed to come in extra tonight, even though I really don't want to, and would much rather curl up in my bed and finish reading the book I'm  trying to get through.

I haven't written in so long. I'm still engaged to Eric. I love him so much sometimes. Other times, I want to run away.

Bah. Sleep.

(no subject)

Florida was amazing! I don't think I've ever had so much fun in all my life! Of course, I say that about all my vacations. But this one was different. I think that has to do with the fact that I was alone. I wasn't with Eric and I wasn't with my family. It was just me and Ada, enjoying every minute of the sun and the beach and the warm weather and the freedom to do what we wanted with our days.

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